I’m on the road for the next several days and won’t always have access to the Internet. So I’m reposting a series of classic fallacies. Regular service to resume early next week. This post originally appeared on 25 September 2014.
Ad Hominem, My Sweet, a mini-play in one act.
MOOSE: “Hey, Hayden. C’mere.”
HAYDEN: “Not now, Moose. Please?”
MOOSE: “What are you? Deaf as well as stupid? I said get over here.”
HAYDEN: “But Moose…Ouch! That hurts!”
MOOSE: “When I say get over here, it means get over here. You savvy?”
HAYDEN: “Okay, so I’m here. What’s so urgent.”
MOOSE: “I got something to tell you, and I don’t want no argument about it. You ready? Listen good, ’cause I ain’t gonna repeat it, and you better have it—or else. Got me? Here it is. If P, then Q. Q. Therefore P. Now say it back.”
HAYDEN: “Hey! There’s no need to hit me. I heard you. If P, then Q. Q. Therefore P.”
MOOSE: “Whadda ya know! He can learn!”
HAYDEN: “Only…”
MOOSE: “Only what, smart ass.”
HAYDEN: “Only…oh never mind. Look, I’m late to see my mother. She expects me. You know if I don’t show or call, she worries.”
MOOSE: “Always a mama’s boy. But you’re not gettin’ outta here until you have it. Now. Do you have it. Yes or no?”
HAYDEN: “I have it. Butitisn’tright!”
MOOSE: “Whadda ya mean, it isn’t right. I told you. That should be enough for you.”
HAYDEN: “But…but…isn’t that a formal fallacy? That I should believe you just because you threatened me?”
MOOSE: “Don’t give me any of that fallacy malarkey. You just do what I tell you and you’ll get through this.”
HAYDEN: “Hey! I told you! No Hitting!”
MOOSE: “I’ll do what I need to. Just so you know that. I’ll do what I need to.”
HAYDEN: “Someday…You just wait and see.”
MOOSE: “I don’t know why I like smacking you around so much. It’s that look on your face. Now say it again.”
HAYDEN: “Fine! If P, then Q! Q! Therefore P! Have it your way!”
MOOSE: “That’s right, Spunky. My way. It’s—”
PHILIP: “—Hello, big guy. Circus in town?”
MOOSE: “What? Just who do—”
PHILIP: “—Only I just heard your boyfriend here, and she’s right. Right twice. You can’t bully him into believing a fallacy. Affirming the consequent is as old an error as denying Truth exists. See how you like it. If you hold to fallacies, you’re a bully. You’re a bully. Therefore you hold to fallacies.”
MOOSE: “Who’s a bully! He likes it. Don’t ya, Spunky.”
HAYDEN: “He hit me!”
MOOSE: “Besides, you can’t tell me I’m wrong because I’m givin’ Spunky what he needs. That’s you’re own fallacy. A grade-A ad hominem.”
PHILIP: “No, it isn’t.”
MOOSE: “The hell it ain’t. I know what you’re tryin’ to do. You’re appealing to Spunky’s prejudices and emotions, his special interest in not being pushed around, rather than to his intellect or reason. And you’re attacking my character rather than answering my argument. That’s an ad hominem, pal. No gettin’ around it.”
HAYDEN: “Don’t hurt him, Moose!”
MOOSE: “Ah, these amateur philosophers ain’t worth hurtin’. Now blow, Socrates, before I squeeze your spinal column into some symbolic logic.”
PHILIP: “Who wants to stay? It’s clear brawn is no substitute for brains.”
MOOSE: “See what I mean, Spunky? A little friendly pressure and Socrates here starts in with remarks which cannot be construed as necessary or objective. Ad hominem all the way.”
HAYDEN: “You should be nice to Moose, mister. He doesn’t take disagreement well.”
PHILIP: “Nicest thing you can do for somebody is tell them the truth. He has it. He doesn’t want it.”
MOOSE: “What truth? All I hear are insults. You think by makin’ me look bad in front of Spunky, here, that we’ll forget you don’t have an argument. Noting’ but distractions.”
PHILIP: “There are none so blind as those who won’t listen.”
MOOSE: “Ha! He can’t even keep his metaphors straight. C’mon, Spunky. We’re never going to get through to this guy. So long, Socrates.”
HAYDEN: “Okay, Moose. We can go. But I have to see mother first.”